Of Indigo: November 2010

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I: Face it

You've got to let go. If you really think she is what you're saying she is, then everything will be alright. And if she's not? If she takes absolutely nothing from this? If she becomes consumed by everything you put on her, then fine. It is your fault for ending it, suck it up and focus on what's here.
K: I can't stand being...being on the shit end of it every time though. Like last time we broke up? People still thought it was my fault. People were like, oh, forgive her, etc. I don't see why I'm always the culprit. I don't think I'll ever have a fair case.
I: To be honest, I don't think her friends ever liked you in the first place.
K: Yeah, but, I mean shit this is just hard to be thinking about right now.
I: And it's not like you do a very good job at defending yourself. But that might just be your nature of...not caring about other people's opinions.
K: So what do I do? Just...carry on? Let it bite me when I get back? The more I think about it-
I: Then you can't think about it. I know you said that it's gonna be horrid when you go back. Let it be. This is her raw nature. You talk about humans being wretched deep down, well now you have it. You're terrible at relationships and so you get a terrible reaction. I think you've fooled yourself into thinking that there will be some sort of conversation when you get back between you two. There won't be. She'll be off on her own, and you'll be at square one. Remember transferring to Maemae? And then Maui Waena? And then Kam? Then Kam again? You're the king of resetting relationships, I think. I think, you got so comfortable with her that you lost your edge and can no longer focus, even though this situation is not at all unfamiliar to you. If there's a place for you...though I honestly doubt it at this point, then there will be. Remember when you took her back what...eleven months ago? Things are always changing. I really hope she does hate you when you get back. I really do.
K: I don't WANT to be hated. I want to be UNDERSTOOD. Why the FUCK can't i get that?
I: Because people don't want to understand you. They want you to understand them. And though you may, you can't stand being the one person in your eyes who has to balance everything. And so you'll try. You'll try hard here, as you always do, and you'll try hard there when you get back. I'll watch the whole thing.
K: It's gonna fuck me up when I see her with someone else. It really will.
I: Earth to Kapono. You're in a relationship right now.
K: Yeah, but this is terminal. I know I'm losing shit here in eight months. I just can't seem to...to stay still. Yknow, what if I never came to Japan?
I: You'd have more money I think. You better not start regretting things.
K: I don't. I just don't want her to be as bitter as I was before. I feel like there's nothing I can do from here.
I: Your fault again. What you lacked was application of understanding.

Just listen up. Continue with what you know. She'll forget you over time. If you're lucky, you'll grow numb as well. That's life. That's what happens to people. If this were a special case, something would have happened by now. I don't think it's a good idea for you to contact her. She's going to be doing her thing, and its really better if you don't interrupt at this point. Just face it.

Fairy Tail 212

That feeling is important.

Also, the chicken guy was really lame.

Heavy Egg Rain? Seriously?

K: You're an idiot

You're telling me that you thought this out ahead of time, and still went through with it?
I: Pretty much.
K: That doesn't add up. You're going to do whatever it is that you do over here, and then when you go back, she'll have been doing whatever it is that she does over there. The only difference is, she can CONTINUE doing what she does, while you have to start all over.
I: And that's my fault. But I'm fine with that. I'm...I'm just not going to worry about things over which I have already relinquished control. Difficult things happen, right? She probably hates me now anyway.
K: Yeah, but she doesn't understand that you had these things in mind, I think. You did a shyt job at executing this, even though you claim to have thought about this a long time ago.
I: Couldn't get things concrete, I guess. But you have to remember that I also figured there was no right way to do it anyway.
K: So what are you gonna do when you go back and realize you...i mean you probably can't easily go back at this point. On anything.
I: Dunno. Not feeling it yet. I'm focused on what I can control, and when I go back and am dying every day, having given up on everything anyway...you'll be there for me at least, right?
K: Can't help it.

When in doubt

buy a hotel.
go to fucking 7.
keep reading.
go all out.
remember.
shut it down.
forgive.
keep a secret.
turn it up.
keep a secret.
power to the guild.
summon the gundam.
ma cherie, how are the kids?
submit. submit.

日本語いつも下手だが、書かないわけには行かなさそうだ。クソ俺は今日あなたのを読んでみたけど、無理だった。俺と付き合ってたとき、友達が少なくなっただろう。今、楽しんでそうだ。毎日頑張ってね。俺と同様、その時、死んでしまいそうなのを感じてるのに、頑張らなきゃならないよ。俺、わがままになってきて、ごめん。ほんとにごめん。先から、あなたを信じられないと思ってたけど、結局、自分のことに信じられなかったのかよく分かっている。いつかまた会えると、何か言うのか、何を言ったほうがいいのか、そんなこともよくわかんないけど、その時まで、生きてる。今何を言ってるのもわかんない。怖がりは生まれつきだから。いつまでも忘れない